Liber Call Me AL

The book of the In-Laws

             Liber Call Me AL
               vel vel, now.
            sub figura skating

         "The Book of the In-Laws"

    1. Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.
    2. Company of heaven exposed;  film
       at eleven.
    3. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is  a
       Star.  Big Deal.
    4. Every number  is infinite;  fire
       thy accountant.
    5. I'd  like  a  volunteer from the
       audience at  this point  -- you,
       the  Warrior  Lord  of Thebes in
       the front row.
    6. I've Hadit up to here.
    7. Attention K-Mart  Shoppers!   It
       is  revealed  to  !Who*vast? the
       minister of Har-Po-Marx.
    8. The Khabs is  in the Khu,  right
       next to the peanut butter.
    9. Worship thou the Khabs, and  the
       Khu will take care of itself.
    10.  Let  my  servants  be  few and
       secret; they  shall have  enough
       problems without publicity.
    11. These are fools that men adore;
       for example,  Vanna White  comes
       to mind.
    12.  Come  forth  with  a fifth and
       take thy  fill of  Old Overcoat;
       thou shalt see stars!
    13. I am above  you and in you.   I
       am behind you and beside you.  I
       am hiding  behind the  curtains.
       I know when you are sleeping,  I
       see when you're  awake.  I  know
       if you feel  joy or woe  so feel
       joy for goodness sake.
    14. There once was a Goddess, Nuit,
       Who dated a God named Hadit.
       When Ankh-af-na-khonsu
       Saw what they were up to
       He shouted "Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!"
    15. You  may already  have won  the
       priesthood of infinite space,  a
       Winnebago,  all  power  for your
       wife,  or   one  of   663  other
       valuable prizes  in this  Aeon's
       Prophecy     Clearing      House
       Giveaway!
    16. For he is sunburned, and she is
       a  lunatic.     He   plays  with
       matches, and she wanders  around
       in the dark.
    17. But for you, no such luck.
    18. Look out!   There's a  snake on
       your head!
    19.  Oh,  bend  over,  and  I shall
       drive thee home!
    20.  Say  the  secret  word and the
       Dove shall drop down.
    21. If the God and the Adorer call,
       say unto them  that I am  out of
       the office;  they shall  not see
       me.    For  I  and my Lord Hadit
       shall  be  in  a  meeting verily
       until  the  end  of  time.    My
       Prophet    shall    call   their
       Prophet.
    22.  Now,  therefore,  I  have   an
       unlisted  phone  number,   which
       shall be revealed to my  prophet
       when at  last he  ceaseth making
       obscene  calls.    I am Infinite
       Space, and billions and billions
       of stars, yet modesty remains my
       best  character  trait.   Let no
       difference be  made between  any
       one thing  and any  other thing;
       in this  way wilt  thou simplify
       thine Inventory Control.
    23. But whoso  maketh sense of  all
       this, let him  explain it to  me
       as soon as possible.
    24. I  am a  Nut, and  my number is
       up.
    25.  Divide,  add,  multiply,   and
       extract  square  roots.    There
       will be a quiz at the end of the
       Aeon.
    26. Then saith the Prophet and  the
       Loss:  Where the Hell am I, what
       am  I  on,  and  where can I get
       more?    Then  she answered him,
       her  neon-hued  body  dangling a
       wide variety  of love  beads and
       leather  thongs,  saying:  Like,
       wow!   Everything is  everywhere
       and real,  like, fun,  for sure!
       Totally!
    27.  Then  the  Priest answered and
       said  unto   her,  kissing   her
       lovely brows,  running his  hand
       lightly    along    her   thigh,
       nibbling  on  her  earlobes, and
       unbuttoning     her      blouse:
       "Uh..right.      What   was  the
       question?  Mmmph."
    28. Two  breathed the  light, faint
       and  faery,  of  the stars, then
       asphyxiated.
    29. For  I am  divided by  zero for
       the chance of confusion.
    30. This is the curriculum of Math;
       that the  pain of  long division
       is  nothing,  and  the  agony of
       Calculus, all.
    31. Screw you all!  I've got  mine,
       Jack.
    32. Obey my  prophet!  Send  $20 in
       cash to Me!  Make eleven  copies
       of this  Book, placing  thy Name
       therein,  and  disperse  them to
       others as thou wilt.  Break  not
       the  Chain,  and  thy prosperity
       shall be without bounds.   Would
       I lie to you?
    33.  Then  the  priest  passed out,
       muttering:   Heard   any    good
       ordeals,   rituals,   or    laws
       lately?
    34. But she  said: The ordeals  are
       none   of   thy   business;  the
       rituals  shall  be  half unknown
       and  half  published  by Francis
       King;  the  Law  I'll  give   to
       anyone willing to haul it away.
    35. Surprise!  THIS is the Book  of
       the In-Laws!  I'll bet you never
       guessed,  huh?    You   probably
       thought  this   was  just   some
       ordinary,        run-of-the-mill
       prophetic  work  dictated  by  a
       praeternatural Intelligence.
    36.    My  secretary In-a-Gadda-da-
       Vida shall  not edit  this Book,
       howsoever   badly   it   may  be
       needed.      He   may    comment
       thereupon by  the wisdom  of Pa-
       Ra-Keet.   Thus shall  plausible
       deniability be established.
    37.   Also   the   Mazdas  and  the
       Celicas,  the  Oh-Yeahs  and the
       Cowabungas,   the   Fafnil   and
       Zermatroz, the work of the Wand,
       the  Pantacle,  the  Dagger, but
       not  the  Cup;  these  shall  ye
       teach at weekend seminars.
    38. He must teach; but he may  make
       wild the parties.
    39.  The  word  of  the  In-Laws is
       PASADENA.
    40. Who  calls us  Pasadenites will
       do no  wrong, if  he but  drives
       through the city.  For there are
       therein Three Grades: the Little
       Old Lady, and the Techie and the
       Man  of  Suburbia.    Possession
       shall be nine tenths of the Law.
    41. The Formula of Sin is  Opposite
       over   Hypotenuse.      Oh  Man,
       believe  not  thy  wife when she
       says she has a headache!   There
       must be fifty-six ways to  leave
       thy  Lover!    There  is no bond
       that can  unite the  divided but
       Krazy     Glue;     accept    no
       substitutes.   Darn them!   Darn
       them anyway!  Ah, heck.
    42.  Practice  bondage  in  groups;
       thou  hast  the  right to remain
       silent.
    43.  Do  that,  and  await to speak
       unto thy lawyer.
    44.  For  the  word "unassuaged' is
       every way mispronounced.
    45. After all, nobody's Perfect.
    46. The Key  to this Law  is really
       nothing  special.    61 the Jews
       call  it,  or  58  wholesale for
       family.     I  call   it  eight,
       twelve, three point one four  --
       whatever I want to.  I am a God,
       after all.
    47. They have the half, and its the
       good half,  too.   Pull yourself
       together, and  tell them  to get
       lost!
    48. My Prophet looks out for Number
       One, One, One.
    49. We regret to announce that  all
       ordeals, words,  and signs  have
       been  canceled  due  to unstable
       theological  conditions  in  the
       East.  Let Asar be with Isa,  as
       long as  they cause  no trouble.
       I  don't   care;  it's   not  my
       problem.
    50. Here's a tip on how to run this
       scam.  There are three cons  you
       can  use.    The  gross shall be
       burned,   the   fine   shall  be
       soaked,  and  the  lofty  chosen
       ones worked over.  Thus ye  have
       plans  and  schemes,  and nobody
       shall know what hit them!
    51.  There  are  two  doors  to one
       townhouse;  the  floor  of  that
       townhouse has not been  vacuumed
       for  months;  dirty  clothes and
       stacks  of  old  newspapers  are
       there, and the odor of cat food.
       Let him  enter in  turn the  two
       doors,  having  given  24  hours
       advance notice to the tenants as
       required by  Law.   Will he  not
       sink?    Damn.  Aargh!    If thy
       handyman  sink,  the  dry rot is
       worse than I thought.  But there
       are ways and  means.  Be  goodly
       therefore,   or   betterly    if
       possible:  go  to  parties;  eat
       cream  puff  sundaes,  and drink
       generic champagne and beers that
       foam; play  strip poker  using a
       Tarot  deck!  But  be  sure   to
       invite Me.
    52. If  the layout  be botched;  if
       thou      neglectest       thine
       proofreading, saying: Who  gives
       a damn; or saying, Let's order a
       pizza;  then  shall   Pa-Ra-Keet
       smite  thee,  and  thy pepperoni
       shall breed pestilence.
    53. Believe me,  this will make  my
       sister  feel  much  better.  But
       remember, even though you  think
       you're such hot stuff, it  shall
       not help  thee in  Court.   Have
       fun while you still can; Me too!
       Me Too!
    54.   Thou   shalt   be  graded  on
       content, spelling and grammar.
    55. Thy work shall serve as  Papyri
       Ani.
    56. Expect it not from the East  or
       West,  but  watch  out  for  the
       South.    Argh!   All reasonable
       offers  are  accepted,  and  all
       answers correct, save only  that
       some are  stupider than  others;
       solve  the  first  half  of  the
       equation,  get  partial  credit.
       But thou art still wholly in the
       dark.
    57.  Go  outside,  for  God's sake!
       Love  in  the  raw,  love  under
       water!    But  be careful; there
       are love and love.  There is the
       dove,  and  there  is  a  can of
       whipped cream,  a great  deal of
       rope, and  a cooperative  sheep.
       Choose ye well!   He, my  toady,
       has  chosen,  knowing  the House
       Rules,   which   are  admittedly
       confusing.  The galley proofs of
       my book look okay, but    is not
       the   Star;   I   think  it's  a
       squashed bug.   Leave it in;  it
       will keep people guessing.
    58.  I  give  unusual;  punctuation
       while, in life, upon death: full
       stops.   Not commas,  nor   do I
       demand proofreading      59.  My
       incense is of  Chanel No. 5  and
       tapioca;   and   there   are  no
       preservatives  therein,  because
       the   Washington   Monument   is
       exactly 555 feet tall.
    60. I  can count  to 11,  more than
       most of those  who are with  us.
       The  White  Five  Pointed  Star,
       with a  "T" in  the middle,  and
       the  "T"  is  red.   My color is
       black  and  white  in  the basic
       configuration,  but  red,  green
       and blue are  seen of those  who
       buy    the    graphics   display
       adapter.    Also  I  have a high
       resolution option  for them  who
       pay through the nose.
    61. But to love  me is to know  me;
       if, under the night stars in the
       desert, thou presently  freezeth
       thy ass off before me,  invoking
       me out of pure desperation, thou
       shalt come a little to lie in  a
       poorly  insulated  sleeping bag.
       For  one  bonfire  wilt  thou be
       willing to  give all;  but whoso
       ignites one  juniper twig  shall
       be  arrested  by  Park   Rangers
       within an hour.  Ye shall gather
       junk  food  and  suntan  oil; ye
       shall  wear  dark  glasses,   ye
       shall wish ye were at the beach.
       I charge  you earnestly  to come
       before     me     carrying     a
       ridiculously   heavy   backpack.
       Pale  or  puce,  Libertarian  or
       libertine, I who am without good
       taste desire  you.   Put on  the
       wings, and you'll look just like
       a chicken!
    62. Every  time I  see you  I shall
       whine   "Me   too!   Me   Too!",
       reminding thee  strongly of  thy
       little  sister,  and  thy  heart
       shall burn with annoyance.
    63. Sing the rapturous love song to
       me, or at  least hum a  few bars
       of "Aleister's Restaurant":

       You can  do anything  thou wilt,
       at Aleister's Restaurant;
       You can  do anything  thou wilt,
       at Aleister's Restaurant;
       Just drop by, we're in Cefalu,
       Later on today we'll have a Mass
       for Nu;
       You can  do anything  thou wilt,
       at Aleister's Restaurant.

    64. I  am an  airhead who  uses too
       much makeup in the evening.
    65. Me Too!  Me Too!
    66. The Manipulation of a Nut is at
       an end.   Tune  in tomorrow  for
       more  excitement  --  same  BAPH
       time, same BAPH channeling.

             Liber Call Me AL
               vel vel, now.
            sub figura skating

         "The Book of the In-Laws"

    1. New and improved!  The filet  of
       Haddock.
    2. Oh  come,  all  ye faithful, and
       Jim shall spill all the  secrets
       which  have  not  been  revealed
       already.  I, Christopher  Robin,
       am  the  complement  of Pooh, my
       bear. He is hungry, and he lives
       under the name of Sanders.
    3. I  am   always  the   center  of
       attention, which makes my wife a
       bit edgy.
    4. Yet it is  she who gets  invited
       to the best parties.
    5. Yuck!    These  old  rituals are
       filthy!  Let the nasty ones  get
       lost;   let   the   good    take
       laxatives.  Then we'll talk.
    6. I am heartburn and sunstroke.  I
       am  Life,  and  I  gave  at  the
       office,  yet  I  am  expert   in
       Grateful Dead trivia.
    7. I am The Omen and The  Exorcist.
       I am the fly in the ointment and
       the lime in the coconut.   "Come
       unto me" is a foolish word,  for
       I do not make house calls.
    8. Who  worshipped  Har-Po-Marx has
       worshipped  me;  badly,  for   I
       prefer Chico.
    9. Remember that  existence is  one
       long party; that hangovers  pass
       and are  done, but  liver damage
       remains.
    10. O boy, I can see you had enough
       of this yesterday.
    11. I see you hate the hand and the
       pen, but  I could  not afford  a
       word processor.
    12. Because we are both broke.
    13.  for  why?  Because thou failed
       grammar, and me.
    14.  Also,  we  couldn't  pay   the
       electric bill.
    15.  For  I  am  just  the greatest
       thing, and my number is nine one
       one to the  fools, but with  the
       "in" crowd I  am eight, and  one
       eight, and four out of five, and
       two for  one.   Which is  really
       critical, only I forgot why.   I
       didn't  draw  to  my   Jack-high
       straight.
    16. I am a priest in drag.  Oh, and
       I can count to eleven, just like
       my wife.
    17. Hear me, ye people of sighing
       Whose next  three paychecks  are
       all spent;
       Now is the time to start  crying
       --
       The Landlord just increased your
       rent!
    18. They are better off dead, these
       worthless  bums.     they   will
       hardly feel a  thing.  We  don't
       care  --  we're  on  the winning
       team.
    19.  Is  God  to  walk a dog? Woof!
       But Pig enumerates to 93.
    20.  Beauty  and  fashion,   Malibu
       condos and  fast cars,  coke and
       cognac are of us.
    21. We have  nothing with the  scum
       and  the  rabble.    Refuse them
       spare change!  Kick them in  the
       ribs!    Spit  on  them!   Gouge
       their eyes out!  Drop napalm  on
       their  foul,  stinking   streets
       full of  cheap wine  bottles and
       shopping carts and -- excuse me,
       I got carried away.  If the body
       of the King dissolve, the Palace
       probably  needs   a  new   water
       softener.  Nuts!  Haddocks!  Pa-
       Ra-Keets!    UV  lamps, steroids
       and   contact   lenses,    track
       lighting!   I ask  you, is  this
       any way to run a pantheon?  Then
       again, what can you expect  from
       a bunch of nocturnal snakes?
    22. I am the Worm that lieth in the
       bottom  of  the  tequila  bottle
       which     fills     men     with
       drunkenness.   For a  good time,
       buy   strange   drugs   from  my
       distributor and trip  thereupon.
       The brain damage will barely  be
       noticeable.  Just say "Nu!"  The
       exposure  of  innocence  is fun.
       Be a manly,  lusty Man; you  can
       explain it all to God later.
    23. I am alone.   There is no  God.
       Where am I?
    24. But  ye, o  my people,  rise up
       and -- Shut  up, o deacon;  I am
       not there yet.  This is just one
       of many  Grave Mysteries  I plan
       to  hint   about  without   ever
       actually  telling  you anything.
       For example, it  is said, or  so
       some say,  that there  are those
       of  my  people  who are hermits.
       Now,  think  not  to  find  them
       milking goats in the West County
       of Ireland, or even standing  in
       wheatfields    holding    cubist
       lanterns  along  the  Tiphareth-
       Chesed Freeway, but at  cocktail
       parties, and in the Tokyo subway
       system.    How  is  it, you ask,
       that  such  people  are   deemed
       Hermits? Chalk up another  Grave
       Mystery.    Remember:  Kill  the
       wretched,  and  the  weak,   the
       struggling masses yearning to be
       free!    Burn  their homes, plow
       their fields with salt,  enslave
       them, oppress them -- oh my, I'm
       sorry,  I  seem  to  have gotten
       carried  away  again.   I really
       will  try  to  keep  a lid on it
       from now on.  Promise.
    25. It's us against them, boy,  and
       I say we call in the nukes!  The
       hell with what I just  promised!
       I  hate  them!    I  hate  them!
       Aaaargh!
    26.  I  am  the  train  entering  a
       tunnel, and the hot dog  chasing
       a donut.  If I lift up my  head,
       and  shoot  forth  venom, I will
       have to wash  the sheets in  the
       morning.
    27. There is danger in this  verse,
       for whoso  does not  give it  to
       his  editor  shall  make a great
       mess.  He shall stumble into the
       pit  called  Writers  Block, and
       there he  shall reason  with the
       Xaos.
    28.  Now,  damn  Because,  and  the
       horse he rode in on!
    29. Just who the Hell does  Because
       think he is, anyway?
    30. If  Will stops  and cries  Why,
       fire him.
    31.  If  Power  asks  Why,  tell it
       whatever it wants to hear.
    32.  Reason  won't  work either, at
       least not for you.
    33.  Enough  Because,  already!   I
       don't even like his dog!
    34. (What has he got against  dogs,
       anyway?  Is  it  my  turn,  now?
       Okay...*ahem*)  But  ye,  o   my
       people,  rise  up  and   restore
       circulation to your arms!
    35.  Let  the  rituals be performed
       with latex and farm animals!
    36. There  are parties  every other
       Tuesday at Bagh-i-muattar Camp.
    37. A feast for the first night  of
       Pernod over ice!
    38. A feast for each of the ninety-
       four days of the writing on  the
       Book of the In-Laws.
    39. A  feast for  Alexia, child  of
       1.75 Masters  -- Ptah-Sekhet,  O
       profit!
    40.   Practices   for    initiation
       rituals, and  practices for  the
       Equinox so we  can piss off  the
       A... A... types again.
    41.  A  feast  after  class,  and a
       feast  on  payday;  a  feast for
       life,  and  a  sudden  loss   of
       appetite following death.
    42. A  feast every  day with  me so
       you can get heartburn.
    43.  A  feast  every  night with my
       wife so you can get spacey.
    44. Yeah!   Party  hardy, bro,  and
       fear not hangovers at all.
    45. There  is death  for the  dogs,
       but  only  if  a Czechoslovakian
       restaurant    opens    in   your
       neighborhood.
    46.  Doest  thou  fall?    Art thou
       hurt?      Call   Work    Injury
       Resources at (213) 466-1058.
    47. Where am I?  What are these?
    48. Pity not  the fallen!   (What a
       great idea for a song  title...)
       they are not my problem!  I hate
       them,  hate  them,  hate   them!
       Torture them, destroy them, burn
       them,!   Rip their  throats open
       with dull knives, and -- whoops,
       there I go again.
    49.  I  am  Haddock,  hear me roar,
       while I kill and maim the  poor;
       they knew that I would get  them
       in the end.  (This is one of the
       nine to  five; after  work there
       is  happy  hour,  wherein  I  am
       three sheets to the wind.)
    50.  Green  am  I,  and pink in the
       weave of my  shirt, yet the  red
       lines are  in my  eyes, and  the
       purple shadows under them.
    51. I mean really purple; it is the
       light high  as a  mountain, tall
       as a tree.  My toadie shall call
       this   light   "infrared,"  thus
       establishing his credentials  to
       create  a  system  of scientific
       illuminism.
    52. There is  some veal; that  veal
       is black.   It  is the  veal you
       bought for  dinner three  months
       ago; it is  the veal that  still
       lieth  in   the  back   of  your
       refrigerator.   Throw away  this
       fuzzy specimen of mycology!   Do
       this,  and  I  shall reward thee
       with  freedom  from  severe food
       poisoning.
    53.  Don't  worry,  kid,  you won't
       regret writing  this thing.  You
       are  perfectly  OK,  I swear it,
       and any minor discomfort you may
       feel  is  only  temporary,   and
       probably   just    psychosomatic
       anyway.
    54.  So  your  family,  loved ones,
       friends,   and   everyone   else
       you've   ever   respected  think
       you've  gone  off  the deep end?
       Big deal!  You know who you  can
       trust, right? The stops as  thou
       wilt; the  yields as  prescribed
       by state law.
    55.  Thou  shalt  learn  the entire
       English  Alphabet;  thou   shalt
       learn    to    construct   words
       therefrom.
    56.  Laugh  while  you  still  can,
       mockers!  They laughed at me  at
       the University,  but now,  now I
       will show them! Ahahaha!
    57. He that  is righteous shall  be
       righteous  still,  he  that   is
       filthy shall take a bath.
    58. Don't  go changing,  to try  to
       please me, I  love you just  the
       way you are.   Perhaps that  bum
       is a  King who  likes cheap  red
       wine.    A  King  can choose his
       refreshment  as  he  will;   the
       rabble  cannot  hide  their poor
       taste.
    59. Kill them all, and let Me  sort
       them out!
    60. Strike low, strike often;  kick
       them when they're down, so  they
       won't get up again!
    61. There is  a light before  thine
       eyes,  a  light  undesired, most
       annoying.  Buy  a new shade  for
       your desk lamp.
    62. Your chest hurts, and the  roof
       is leaking.
    63. Just breathing is an effort.
    64. Oh!   You let your  guard down,
       we have you now: hail, hail, the
       gang's  all  here:  prophet of a
       Nut! prophet of the Odd! Prophet
       of Bar-B-Que!  Now rejoice,  and
       party, and write trashy novels!
    65. I am the Master; you will  obey
       me.
    66.  Write   and  work,   and  find
       ecstasy  in  bed!    Thrill with
       victory and  agonize in  defeat!
       Those who  see your  death shall
       be glad -- doesn't that make you
       feel just great?  I love you  so
       much  I  think  I'll  kill  you.
       Cheer  up!    We're  all in this
       together.
    67.  Hold!    A  little more to the
       left!    Keep  it  up!   Oh, for
       God's sake, don't pass out now!
    68.  Harder!    Faster!    Oh!  Oh!
       OH!!!
    69. Whew!   What do I  feel?  Am  I
       exhausted?  Not with this  verse
       number, I'm not.
    70.  There  are  other  ways,  too.
       Wisdom says: be rich! Then canst
       thou     afford     more    joy.
       Recrystallize  thy  rapture.  If
       thou drink, don't drive, if thou
       love,  do.    If  thou  do aught
       joyous,  don't  get  caught, and
       destroy all evidence.
    71. But go for the gusto!
    72. Grab more and more!  Live fast,
       die young, leave a  good-looking
       corpse.
    73. Ah!  Ah!  Death!  Death!  Thou!
       Thou!  Shalt!  Shalt! Long!   --
       excuse me, I got stuck.  Anyway,
       forget death.
    74.  Absence  makes  the Heart grow
       fonder.  He  who lives long  and
       desires death much is  obviously
       not very good at suicide.
    75. Aha!  Listen to the Secret Code
       Message:
    76. 20-N-Z  6-B-17-M  3-M-2-N-3-M-3
       16-6-C-15   18-14-N-11-5.   What
       the Hell  does that  mean?   You
       won't figure it out, that's  for
       sure.  Ten cometh after me; they
       shall read  it, and  weep.   But
       remember  --  even  if you don't
       understand  it,  you  can  still
       tell it to your friends.
    77. O be  thou proud and  macho and
       muscular, and  the Castro  shall
       be thine.
    78.  Thou  art  really something, a
       special kind of guy, truly  head
       and shoulders above the crowd, a
       standout, one-of-a-kind.   Thine
       head shall  expand to  encompass
       the stars.   They  shall worship
       thy name, and the number of  thy
       beverage 202.
    79.  The  end   of  the  filet   of
       Haddock,  and  so  long  to you,
       sucker.

             Liber Call Me AL
               vel vel, now.
            sub figura skating

         "The Book of the In-Laws"

    1.   Tag!  You're It!
    2.   Things get rough  from here on
       out;  show  not this  chapter to
       thy friends. Speling is flunked;
       all was not taught. It's a Hawk!
       It's   a   Higher  Plane!   It's
       PA-RA-KEET!
    3.   Now   first,   let's  get   it
       straight that,  as Gods go, I am
       one  bad-ass  dude.  I will kick
       their asses.
    4.   Choose   ye   an   island!  (I
       recommend the Atolls of Tahiti.)
    5.   Fortify it with eight vitamins
       and  iron!  (From   this   shall
       wonder be bred.)
    6.  Fill it with all kinds of crap!
    7.   I will give you a fire engine.
    8.   With it ye shall hose down the
       people,  and  none  shall  stand
       before you.
    9.   Run away!  Sneak around behind
       them!  Shoot them in  the  back!
       This is the law of the Battle of
       Cowardice:  we shall practice in
       my back yard.
    10.  Get  the  Souvenir Postcard of
       Cairo  itself;  set  it  in  thy
       photo album  -- the one with the
       dirty   pictures   of   Egyptian
       children  and  camels -- and  it
       shall be your Keepsake for ever.
       It  shall not fade, or  at least
       not much,  for miraculous  four-
       color printing  shall adhere  to
       it  eternally.   Toss it in  the
       bottom of your underwear  drawer
       and  forget  about  the   damned
       thing.
    11.  Save  this  portion  for  your
       records!  I forbid  argument.  I
       forbid   questions.    Hell,   I
       forbid going to the bathroom!  I
       will  make it easy  for  you  to
       mess  up  your  house   and   to
       destroy  your  home  town.  Thou
       shalt have  danger and  trouble;
       thy weight  is 195 pounds.  Bar-
       B-Que is  with thee.  Worship me
       with gin and  tonic;  worship me
       with  scotch & with  water!  Let
       women  threaten  me  with  sharp
       objects; thou knowest I love it.
       Let beer flow to my glass.  Step
       on  anyone who  gets in the way;
       mine is a modest proposal!
    12.  Mutilate  cattle,  little  and
       big, in remote areas of Wyoming:
       after, a c***d   [DELETED AT THE
       REQUEST  OF   THE  O.T.O   LEGAL
       FUND].
    13.  Ha!  I didn't say "Simon Magus
       says!"
    14.  I'll get  around to it,  so be
       patient.  Yeah?  And  your wife,
       too!
    15.  Be careful what you wish for -
       I may  give it to you.  Hell,  I
       may anyway.
    16.   No   contract,  explicit   or
       implicit, is hereby  established
       between  the party of  the first
       part,   the   entity  ?Who-Vast!
       (hereafter EW), and the party of
       the second part,  the Master 999
       (hereafter M999).  EW assumes no
       liability for  damages caused by
       or  consequent  to use,  misuse,
       abuse, or  disuse of  Liber Call
       Me  AL  (hereafter  "Nancy")  by
       M999.    M999    assumes    full
       responsibility for promulgation,
       commentary,     and      routine
       maintenance  of "Nancy", and for
       all  civil  or criminal  actions
       pertaining   to  or   caused  by
       "Nancy"  or   related  material.
       Your   state   may  not   permit
       exclusion of prophetic liability
       for  channeled,   inspired,   or
       extraterrestrial communications.
       In   this   case,    state   law
       supersedes  the   Logos  of  the
       Aeon.
    17.  Don't worry;  fear neither tax
       auditors,  nor  auto  mechanics,
       nor weird fuzzy  things you find
       late at  night  under  your bed,
       nor  anything.  Money fear  not,
       but rather  the lack of it;  nor
       laughter  of  the  folk  folly -
       with a religion like this you're
       in  for  a lot of it.  Nuts  are
       your  snack  as you  drink  your
       Lite;  and I am  the force  that
       bends your arm.
    18.  You  know  all  that  stuff in
       Chapter 2 about mugging the weak
       and the  poor?   Well,  do that,
       but this  time  wear  steel-toed
       boots.
    19.  The postcard  they shall  call
       the Souvenir of Cairo; count its
       name  on  thy  fingers,  and  it
       shall  be unto  thee as,  um, 5.
    20.  But  WHY???   Because  of  the
       fall  of  Because,   you  little
       brat.   Now   go  play  on   the
       freeway.
    21.   Redecorate  thy  temple  with
       genuine  oil paintings  from the
       GALLERY  ART  SHOW at  the Cairo
       Hilton! Seascapes, clowns, Elvis
       on    velvet,    generic    farm
       buildings,  and  waterfalls  are
       only a few of  the many ORIGINAL
       ARTWORKS      available       at
       ridiculously  low  prices  for a
       LIMITED    TIME!    Sofa   size,
       portrait  size,  and our special
       TEMPLE  SIZE  paintings  are all
       AVAILABLE NOW!
    22.  Buy a whole set,  to carry thy
       Decorating   Theme.   I  am  the
       visible  Object  of  Worship, if
       you know  what's good  for  you.
       It's my Aeon, and I'll scry if I
       want to.  The  others  can  just
       wait  their  turns; for  you and
       your  wife  are  they,  and  the
       winners of the Prophecy Clearing
       House Giveaway.  What  is  this?
       Ask Ed McMahon.
    23. For perfume mix oil and vinegar
       and  Thunderbird:  then gasoline
       and  styrofoam,   and  afterward
       soften and smooth down with rich
       dark beer.
    24.  The best beer is of the Irish,
       Guiness;  then beers of Germany,
       or  imported  from  the  Orient;
       then  of  Australia;   then   of
       Canada  or  Mexico;  then   some
       American  pisswater,  no  matter
       the brand.
    25.  This drink; of this make bread
       and eat 'til you pop.  This hath
       also  another use;  let beer  be
       laid in  a  shallow dish  in the
       garden, with  sticks  propped up
       on its  sides: it  shall  become
       full of  snails and other things
       which  have  been  ravaging your
       garden.
    26.  These  dispose of,  reflecting
       on  the  karmic  implications of
       drowning in beer.
    27.  Also, these make good escargot
       if you  want to  catch them live
       and go to all that trouble.
    28.  Also, ye shall reek of garlic.
    29.  Furthermore, if you keep them
       in  corn  meal  awhile,  they're
       supposed  to  taste better.  You
       try it first and let me know.
    30.  My  altar  is  of  open  brass
       work.  Burn  thereupon,  and all
       the incense  will  fall  through
       the openings  and ruin  your new
       carpet.
    31.  You  will  meet  a  tall  dark
       stranger who  will  piss on you.
    32.  From   gold  forge   extremely
       soft, yellowish steel!
    33.  Be  ready  to run  away  or to
       hide!
    34.  But   your   Townhouse   shall
       endure throughout the centuries:
       though with dry rot and termites
       it be  unsafe and condemned, yet
       an invisible  house  there lieth
       in  a  heap,  and  shall  remain
       until  the  zoning  laws change;
       when hell is frozen over and the
       national  debt  repaid.  Another
       load of ready cash shall then be
       spent on  New Age trash; another
       scandal-film   shall  bore   us,
       titled "The  Sex Life of Horus";
       another  Book shall  be dictated
       to a Prophet overrated;  another
       parody   shall   be    prepared,
       another  Breeze to pain;  and we
       shall be  still on the  brink of
       the Volume II Magickal Link!
    35.  The   end   of  the  word   of
       Hia-wa-tha,  alias  Har-po-marx,
       alias Pa-Ra-Keet.
    36.  Then,  suddenly,  the  prophet
       said:
    37.  I think  I  feel a song coming
       on -

       Why do hawks swoop down from the
       sky
       Every time she walks by?
       Just like me, they long to be
       Close to Nu.

       Why do buds open to the air
       From the Earth, everywhere?
       Just like me, they long to be
       Close to Nu.

       In the Aeon she appeared
       Archangels got together
       And they Willed to formulate a
       dream come true;
       So they scattered starlight for
       her body
       And eternal trees, the hair of
       Nu!
    38.  Of     course     you     feel
       light-headed;  you  have  a  hot
       sword stuck  in your back.  Pick
       Door   Number  3,   and  I  will
       establish  your way,  or you can
       trade it all for  whatever is in
       this box.  Oh, by the way, these
       are  the   adorations,  so   pay
       attention:

       Why do snakes coil around my
       heart
       Every time we're apart?
       Just like me, they long to be
       Close to Nu.

    39.  All  this  and  a  sensational
       best-selling  book about how you
       achieved  communion with  Aliens
       and  a  copy  of  this  document
       forever - for in it is high acid
       content paper, and it won't last
       twenty  years  as  is - and  thy
       comment  upon this  Book  of the
       In-Laws  (I suggest  "So what?")
       shall  be  Xeroxed  expertly  in
       four colors upon  beautiful bond
       paper  stolen   from  an  office
       supply  store; and  to  everyone
       that thou  meetest, were  it but
       to throw food and drink on them,
       it is the Law to give as good as
       you  get.    Remember,   charity
       begins  at  AUMGN.   Then   they
       shall  either  shower  thee with
       praise and  fortune or set their
       dogs  upon  thee;  care to guess
       the odds?  Run away quickly.
    40.  But what about the Comment?  I
       don't   got   to   show  you  no
       stinking Comment!
    41.     Establish    a   legitimate
       business   organization   as   a
       front; all must be done using at
       least two sets of books.
    42.    The   ordeals   thou   shalt
       overlook,   being  blind  drunk.
       Accept     everybody;     you'll
       probably   spot   the   traitors
       before    they   cause    really
       catastrophic   damage.    I   am
       Pa-Ra-Keet,  and I am  very good
       at getting my servant in trouble
       by giving him stupid orders like
       this.  Success  would  be  nice;
       fold not,  spindle not, mutilate
       not,   breathe  shallowly,   sit
       still!  Them that seek to arrest
       thee, to beat thee up, might not
       even  notice  thee  if  thou art
       still and quiet enough.  If this
       doesn't work,  swift as a kicked
       puppy  run  away!  Be  thou  yet
       more  pitiful  than he!  Perhaps
       they  shall   have   mercy  upon
       thee.  Lick  their  boots,  roll
       over and play dead!
    43.  Let the Beige Woman beware! If
       she lets up for  one second I'll
       kick her ass.  I will cancel her
       auto insurance; I will foreclose
       on her  mortgage;  I will  audit
       her tax  return;  as a shrinking
       and  despised  credit risk shall
       she    crawl     through    loan
       applications,  and die a renter.
    44.  But let  her  do  her  Will by
       following  my  directions to the
       letter, never deviating from the
       exact  path  I have  chosen  for
       her!  Let her act  as I want her
       to act, dress the way I like her
       to dress!
    45.  Then shall she be free; then I
       will be  nice  to her kids.  She
       shall be happy,  for I know what
       she   really   wants.   With  my
       perfect  guidance  she shall  be
       Nuts, and eat Haddock.
    46.  I  am  the  Lord  of  the  Top
       Forties; the  Sixties  tune  in,
       turn  on,  and  drop  out;   the
       Eighties    worry    about    my
       prophecies       more       than
       Nostradamus.  Failure is likely,
       running away your defense; go on
       with my  speed,  and hide  until
       they leave!
    47.   This  book  shall  be a major
       motion picture,  with subsequent
       comic book releases;  but always
       with the illegible scrawls of my
       servant; for in the chance shape
       of the doodles  in  the  margins
       are  mysteries  with which Freud
       would have a field day.  Let him
       not  seek  to  know  these;  but
       seventeen  come later  who shall
       use   them    as   a   wallpaper
       pattern.  Then this ink stain is
       a mess;  then this  smeared line
       is a mess also.  Buy a  new pen,
       for  God's  sake.   And  SHAZAM.
       Blood tests shall prove it to be
       his  kid,  stunning the  medical
       profession.  Let  him  not  push
       too hard,  for only thusly could
       he fall off and  possibly injure
       both  himself  and   the   goat.
    48.  Now the mystery of the letters
       is done, and good riddance.
    49.  I am in a secret word that you
       won't want your friends to read.
       Just tell them  to stop at verse
       48.
    50.  Darn them!  Darn,  darn, darn!
       GOSH darn!
    51.  Okay, here  we go:  With great
       big  nasty  sharp  implements  I
       gouge Jesus'  eyes out.  Anybody
       for a nice  cheery burning cross
       on the front lawn?
    52.  I offend  another  major world
       religion   and    make    untold
       millions  of additional  enemies
       by    fucking    around     with
       Mohammed's vision.
    53.  Hell, let's go for it!  I make
       appropriate  rude  and offensive
       comments about and desecrate the
       temples    of    Jews,   Hindus,
       Buddhists,           Shintoists,
       Confucians,  Taoists,  Animists,
       various      Native     American
       religions,  and - just  so  they
       won't feel left  out - Marxists.
       There,  now   everybody  in  the
       world hates  you.  Isn't it nice
       to be noticed?
    54.  Bah!  Humbug!  I crap  on your
       spitulous creeds!
    55.  Let's torture  Mary  to enrage
       the Catholics;  let's  criticize
       Nuns! This is getting fun!
    56.  All just for the Hell of it!
    57. Just in case we've left anybody
       out,    let's    also    despise
       Canadians and blondes and stupid
       people!   We  must  have,  what,
       something  like  99.98%  of  the
       Earth's  population  covered  by
       now?
    58. But the keen and the neato, the
       free  and  the  brave,   ye  are
       brothers!  All seven of you!
    59.  So just to make sure you don't
       get bored, fight each other as
       well as the rest of humanity!
    60.  There is no  law beyond Do it,
       then wilt.
    61.  There is an end to the word of
       the Head Honcho of the Aeon, but
       not yet, apparently.
    62.   To  me  kiss  up  by  getting
       clobbered  over and  over trying
       to  implement  all  these  silly
       instructions.  If this is bliss,
       I think I'll take sorrow.
    63.  The  fool  takes  one  look at
       this Book of the In-Laws,  makes
       a rude comment,  and resolves to
       wait for the movie.
    64.  Let him come through the first
       ordeal,  and it  shall be to him
       as evidence submitted to support
       his lawsuit.
    65.  Through the  second,  material
       for   unknown  rock   groups  to
       include   in   otherwise   inane
       lyrics.
    66.  Through the third, a source of
       dozens of  pithy  aphorisms with
       which to amaze one's friends and
       alarm one's family.
    67.  Through  the   fourth,  overly
       exalted  and  poorly  understood
       material just waiting for a good
       parody.
    68.  Yet to  all it shall seem like
       a good excuse for doing whatever
       they   wanted   to   do  anyway.
    69.  There is  success just  ahead,
       a  light  at   the  end  of  the
       tunnel;  I  promise  the  troops
       will be home by Crowleymas.
    70.  I am the  chicken-livered Lord
       of  Silence  and  Hiding;  I  am
       afraid of the dark.
    71.  Hey!  You warriors over by the
       pillars!  Your  coffee  break is
       almost over!
    72.  I am the guy  with the wand of
       Double Power,  baby; the wand of
       the  force  of OY  VEY - but  my
       left  hand  is   empty,   for  I
       crushed  a  beer can  yesterday,
       and sprained my thumb.
    73.  Paste the sheets from right to
       left  and  from top  to  bottom,
       then behold!  A very large sheet
       of paper!
    74.  There is a Secret  in the name
       of PASADENA,  hidden  and foamy,
       just  as  the  sun  at  midnight
       seldom gives you a good tan.
    75.  How do you keep a Thelemite in
       suspense?