Friends, look at me. I'm just an ordinary guy like you. Or at least I was, before I discovered Miracle Wonder Gel(TM). And friends, it rescued me from a deep well of despair and depravity. The old man who invented it gave me the formula on his deathbed, and I tried it out, and boy! did it make a difference! I put some of it on my dog and he won a show. I put some of it on my wife and she left me. I ate some of it, and I was in the hospital for months.

So now, after a lengthy and expensive series of intestinal provocations, I'm here and ready to tell you about a danger, a menace to our homes, a flying hazard we've all come to know and love, the one and only Carol Channing. No, not the one who sings, the other Carol Channing. Many's the evening I've spent polishing her thighs in the twilight, my friends, and the secret of that magic shine could soon be yours.

Just write your name and address on a razor blade, throw it up and the air and run away, and untold blessings will rain down upon you. But it doesn't stop there. With our new specialty votive candles, you can send your prayers to your departed loved ones while enjoying any of these charming aromas: chocolate; tired mouse; vibrating xylophone; stinky squat unidentified primate; feathery nightmare; or that perennial tropical favorite, licorice and gangrene.