You think you've got problems? My house is infested with tiny Dalmatians. They're all over the place. My wife's afraid to come out of her box, and she even wakes up screaming in the middle of the night because while we were asleep they set up little factories in the closet. I try to sweep them out, but they keep rebuilding. I don't know what the *hell* they're making, but it can't be legal. I mean, they could apply for a permit and make the stuff on their own property, couldn't they?

The other day there was a whole pack of them making fun of the cat. The poor thing was just standing there and taking it, she wouldn't even hiss at them. By the time it was over there must have been fifty of 'em, hollering wise-ass comments at her, and making gruesome scatological remarks. She won't stop licking herself now, I had to have the vet give me some huge red pills so it wouldn't bother me.

We tried spraying once. We left a great big stack of fashion magazines out as bait in the spare bedroom, and once there were a couple hundred of them in there, we let 'em have it with some of the canisters of carpet cleaner we had lying around. Those bastards must have known something was up, because they let loose with a barrage of Molotov cocktails and tear gas and nearly torched the whole house.

So don't come whining to me about your tiny schnauzers.