Ineffective Daily Affirmations

by Eggnoramus

Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...

• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self- righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.